


Sleepwalker

by alienat



Category: CW Network RPF, Supernatural, Supernatural RPF
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2011-11-22
Updated: 2011-11-22
Packaged: 2017-11-03 08:50:30
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,137
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/379526
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/alienat/pseuds/alienat
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Prompt: ‘I walk around and I feel so lost and lonely / You're everything that I want / But you don't want me’ (lyrics from Sleepwalker by Adam Lambert)</p>
            </blockquote>





	Sleepwalker

**Author's Note:**

> Written for [](http://jodean80.livejournal.com/profile)[**jodean80**](http://jodean80.livejournal.com/) who wanted some schmoopy/angsty fic for the prompt. I really hope you like what my mind came up with, honey. Comments are love.

 

Jared still remembers the first kiss he and Jensen ever shared. He still remembers what Jensen’s lips felt like and how he smelled. How Jensen fit so perfectly into his arms and how his fingertips burned with want and need when he pushed them beneath Jensen’s shirt and touched skin for the first time. 

That’s a moment Jared will never forget; doesn’t want to forget. No matter what’ll happen, where they’ll go, this is the moment that shaped Jared’s life into what it is now. 

He blinks open his eyes and a smile appears on his face. Jensen’s lying only a few inches away, his hair sleep rumpled and his eyes still closed. His mouth is slightly open and Jared lifts his hand, rubbing over the plush bottom lip of his… well, boyfriend. 

They haven’t really defined their relationship, haven’t said they’re boyfriends or lovers or whatever. But lately the thought ‘boyfriend’ had snuck into Jared’s mind more often and he likes the sound of it. 

Six months. They’ve been doing this for six months now and it’s pure bliss. Jared thinks that they had always been drifting in this direction and it was only a matter of time for them to get here. 

He presses a soft kiss to Jensen’s bare shoulder. The skin is sleep warm and soft. Freckles are scattered all over it and Jared grins. He loves Jensen’s freckles and one day he’ll lay Jensen down and kiss every single one of them. 

Jensen doesn’t wake and Jared quietly gets out of bed and into his running gear. The dogs are waiting patiently for him at the door and he shoos them outside. The air is crisp and his breath fogs when he steps out of the house. He loves this time of day. 

An hour and a half later, his muscles are burning and he’s completely covered in sweat when he steps beneath the hot spray of the shower. It soothes his sore muscles and Jared closes his eyes, feeling his muscles relax.

Jensen’s still asleep and Jared carefully leans down, brushing his lips over Jensen’s temple. “Hey, you need to get up. Clif’ll be here soon.”

Jensen grumbles a little and then opens his eyes. A smile appears on his face and he runs his fingers through Jared’s damp hair. 

“You showered.”

“I did.” Jared chuckles. “I went for a run first.”

“You should have woken me up so we could have showered together.”

“Sorry.” Jared presses a kiss to Jensen’s lips. “Next time, okay?”

“Yeah,” Jensen breathes. He scrambles out of bed and Jared feels his cock grow hard in his jeans at the sight of beautifully tanned, muscled skin. “Now get me some coffee, bitch.”

Jared laughs. “Go, take a shower. I’ll have your coffee ready when you come down.”

This is how most of their mornings are. Jared goes running and then wakes Jensen up so they’re both ready for when Clif picks them up. It’s a routine and it makes Jared stupidly happy that they have one. 

*~*~*

There’s nothing special about the day when it all falls apart. It’s just a normal filming-free Sunday. 

Jensen’s been in LA for the weekend and Jared had worked on Saturday, filming scenes with one of the guest stars of the week. 

Jared’s Sunday so far had consisted of taking a long run with the dogs, working-out and a long hot shower after that. Now he’s watching _Friends’_ re-runs on TV, his feet propped up on the coffee table and a bottle of beer in one hand. Sadie and Harley are lying in front of the couch, both snoring lightly. 

In retrospect, Jared thinks he should have known that things would blow up in his face. Everything was going too smoothly and it felt a lot like a normal life. Thing is, he’s a gay actor who wants to make it big in Hollywood, so there is no normal. There’s only hiding and pretending and heartbreak. He just didn’t know it – or more exactly, didn’t want to believe it back then. 

The front door opens and Jared calls out to Jensen that he’s in the living room. It takes Jensen half an eternity to make his way into the living room and maybe that should have told Jared that something is wrong. It doesn’t though, and that’s why he’s completely thrown by Jensen’s first words. 

“I proposed to Danneel.”

Jared stops just shy of dropping his beer bottle and making a mess on the couch. He turns around and sees Jensen standing in the doorway. He looks as if he hasn’t slept in days, with dark circles around his eyes and pale skin. 

Danneel. Jared knows that Jensen’s been seeing her, but he had thought it was more friendship than anything else, like with him and Genevieve. 

“What?” he asks carefully. 

“You heard me, Jared,” Jensen says and runs a hand through his short hair. “I’m just here to get my things.”

“You’re moving out?” Jared feels his heart break into a thousand pieces; not sure he’ll ever find all of them again to put it back together completely. “What about me? About us?”

Jensen had been moving towards the stairs, but he stops now. “There’s no ‘us’, Jared.” He sighs and turns to face Jared. “You can’t tell me you’ve really thought that this,” he motions between himself and Jared, “was going anywhere. That this was forever. Don’t be naïve, Jared. That’s not how things work. Not in the real world.”

The thing is, that’s exactly what Jared’s been thinking. He thought that they could have their friends that they’ll go to premieres and other official events with, but when they’d come home it would be just them. 

“So, what? You’re breaking up with me?” Jared asks, feeling tears burning behind his eyes. But he won’t let them fall, won’t give Jensen the satisfaction of watching him cry. 

Jensen snorts. “This was never a relationship, Jared. It was fun while it lasted, but it’s over now. It’s time to move on. Time to make a real life.”

“You mean a normal life,” Jared spits out. 

“Yes,” Jensen nods, seeming completely serious. “That’s exactly what I mean. I’m not gay, Jared and neither are you. So it’s time to have our own family.”

Jared huffs out a humorless laugh. “You know what? Fucking you up the ass the last time felt really gay to me. Sorry, I made false assumptions.”

“It was just sex, Jared. Just sex, get over it.”

It feels like Jensen has physically hit him and Jared recoils a little. Jensen looks at him challengingly, but Jared doesn’t know what else to say. If Jensen really thought that this was only sex, there’s nothing Jared can do or say to make him see it differently. 

How could he have been so blind? How could he not realize that Jensen doesn’t feel the same way he does?

*~*~*

“Hey, Jare.” Genevieve nudges his shoulder. “You okay?”

Jared snorts. “Just peachy.”

“You wanna talk about it?”

Genevieve is watching him with a concerned look on her face and Jared knows she means well, but right now it really annoys the hell out of him. 

“What’s there to talk about, Gen?” he huffs. “He’s getting married. So what, I’ll get over it.”

“Jared,” she says softly. “I know you love him. It’s written all over your face, honey.”

“So what do you want from me?” Jared pushes up from the couch. “What do you want me to say, huh? There’s nothing to say, Gen. It’s over. Hell, it never really started. He’s getting married. He doesn’t want me. So what the hell do you want me to say to that?”

It’s been three weeks. Three weeks since Jared’s whole world crashed and burned right in front of him and there’s nothing he can do, besides watch. 

They haven’t exchanged a private word since Jensen dropped the bombshell. Filming is more than awkward and the tension on set affects everyone. Jared wishes he could change it; could make it right again. But he can’t, not yet. 

“Oh honey,” Genevieve says. “I’m sorry.” She walks over to him and wraps her arms around his body. She’s so tiny and Jared looks down at her, his vision blurred and it’s only then that he realizes that he’s crying. 

“He doesn’t want me.”

Genevieve looks up at him. “It’ll be okay, Jare.”

Jared really wishes he could believe her.

*~*~*

“So, I heard about you and Genevieve. Congratulations.”

Jared looks up from the script he’s reading and sees Jensen standing a few feet away, rocking awkwardly back and forth on his heels. 

“Thanks,” he says curtly, looking back down at his script. 

The engagement had been Gen’s idea and it took Jared a long time to agree to it. He had never thought he’d marry someone he didn’t love. Oh, he loves Gen, he just isn’t in love with her. But when his management heard about Gen’s plans, they were all for it and Jared just went with it. His parents and brother and sister are thrilled for him. His friends have all congratulated him. The only one who really knows the truth is Chad and Jared knows exactly what his friend thinks of this; he can still see the disappointed look he gave him. 

“Listen, Jared.” Jared looks at Jensen with raised eyebrows, tapping his foot impatiently against the floor. Jensen gives a nervous smile. “Uhm… so I talked to Danneel and we’d really like for you to come to the wedding. You and Gen.”

Jared feels like his heart has twisted around in his chest, but he’s an actor, he can act. So, he forces a grin on his face. 

“Sure. Just let me know when and where.” He pushes up from his chair and walks towards the crafts tent.

“Jared,” Jensen calls and he turns around, looking at Jensen questioningly. “We’re okay, right? I really want us to be okay.”

Jared sighs. He could say ‘no’, could tell Jensen that he can never forgive what he did. But he knows about Jensen’s upbringing, knows about his religious parents, knows about his wish to be a Hollywood actor. He knows why Jensen did what he did, it’s the same reason why he said ‘yes’ to Genevieve’s idea eventually. 

“Yeah, we’re okay.”

All the tension seems to fall away from Jensen and he smiles. “Good. That’s good. I’ll see you later then.”

*~*~*

Jared feels very weird on his wedding day and for a second he thinks about calling the whole thing off. But then he thinks about Gen and his parents and his friends. He can’t do that to them, not today. So, he steps up to the altar and waits for Gen to walk down the aisle. 

Jensen’s sitting in the third pew on the side for Jared’s family and friends. Danneel’s not here and Jared’s grateful for that. A small voice in his head keeps saying that maybe she’s not here because Jensen’s planning to object to the marriage. Jared knows that it won’t happen, but he can’t help hoping for it. 

Their eyes meet for a second and Jensen holds up his thumbs and grins. Jared nods and forces a grin on his face. He prays that this’ll be over soon. 

The reception after happens in a blur. So many people congratulate him and Gen, slapping his shoulders and pulling him into hugs. The only one that really counts, though, is Jensen. 

After Jensen had asked him to the wedding, things calmed down a little between them. They’re not how they used to be around each other, but at least they can joke with each other again. They don’t hang out anymore, unless it’s with the whole crew. But the tense atmosphere on set had loosened up a little and Jared’s glad about that. 

Jensen pulls him into a tight hug, whispering, “Be happy, Jay.”

It’s like a punch in the gut and all Jared can do to keep the tears away is to clench his eyes shut tightly. He clings to Jensen, probably for too long, but he doesn’t care. If he can never have this again, he’s going to take what he can get. 

*~*~*

Jensen’s wedding is worse. Jared seriously considers objecting to the marriage, but when it’s time to speak up, his mouth is sealed. He never imagined that his heart could hurt anymore than it already does, but when Jensen says ‘I do’, all Jared wants to do is scream.

He gets shitfaced at the reception and doesn’t even remember how he got to his room that night. At least there’s no one lying next to him. 

It’s over and done with. He is married and Jensen’s married too. Now it’s time to move on. 

*~*~*

The house in Vancouver is almost empty of all of Jared and Gen’s possessions. The furniture is neatly covered with sheets and Jared has an appointment with a real estate agency in LA the next day. 

He swipes his fingertips over the kitchen counter, remembering the times that Jensen and he used it for other things than cooking. 

Two years. 

It’s been two years since they both got married. It’s even longer since the hole got ripped into his heart. Like he assumed he’d never been able to find all the pieces again to fix it. He and Jensen had gone back to being friends. It had taken a while, but somehow Jared thinks that having Jensen as a friend is better than having no Jensen. It could be his masochistic side that likes to torture himself, though. 

Supernatural is over now. He won’t see Jensen every day anymore. Maybe it’ll be easier then. 

“Jared?” 

He turns to find his wife standing at the kitchen door, looking at him curiously. “Hey. You got everything?”

She nods. “Yeah, all packed up.”

These last two years Gen’s been the one constant in his life. He isn’t sure if he could have done it without her.

“That’s it, I guess.”

“Jared, maybe it’s better this way.”

He looks at her and nods. “Yeah, you’re right. It probably is.”

*~*~*

A few weeks later he auditions for a romantic comedy and gets the lead role next to Keira Knightly. At least his career is in a good way. 

After the movie is shown at the theaters, the critics aren’t impressed, but the fans loved it and thanks to his agent, he has constant work. 

He loses touch with a lot of people due to his work schedule. In the beginning he often speaks to Jensen on the phone; asks how his career is coming along and they even hang out once or twice. But then, frequent phone calls turn into sporadic texts and then into even more sporadic emails. 

Jensen’s career takes off when he gets the lead in the new Michael Bay movie. If Jared’s honest he has seen him act better on Supernatural, but it’s not always about acting. It’s about how the movie is received and the movie is a hit. In the blink of an eye, Jensen joins A-listed Hollywood, while Jared, even though working constantly, is still type cast into the rom-com roles. 

Jared’s happy for him, he really is. It doesn’t help the hole in his heart, though, because now he’s seeing Jensen’s face on billboards all over town. 

He still misses Jensen fiercely. He misses waking up next to Jensen and falling asleep with his arms wrapped around him. He misses their Sunday mornings together and the nights spent in front of the TV. He misses being on the receiving end of Jensen’s smile – the one that’s just for him, not the one that’s for the fans. 

Gen’s barely home; filming in Australia, New Zealand and South Africa. Her career is definitely coming along fine. But that gives Jared too many nights alone in their too big house. The silence is bone-crushing and more than once he finds himself on the way to one of the gay bars he knows are very discrete about their clientele.

It doesn’t matter how many bodies he sinks into, though. In the end, it’s always the image of Jensen beneath him that pushes him over the edge. 

*~*~*

It’s a Sunday when Gen tells him that she wants a divorce. It seems like Sundays are the days in Jared’s life when people break up with him. 

“I’ve met someone.”

Jared looks up from the book he’s reading. “Okay,” he says hesitantly.

“He’s a really nice guy and I can see a future with him.” Gen looks at him carefully, as if she expects him to blow up in her face. 

It’s not like he didn’t expect it to happen sooner or later. Of course Gen would find a guy she could be really happy with. Not one like Jared that just used her for shitting the media and everyone else. 

“That’s great, Gen,” he says, smiling. “I guess that means we’re breaking up.”

Gen nods, smiling softly. “I guess so.”

His parents are crushed when they hear the news and because Jared doesn’t want to lie to them any longer, he tells them the truth. They don’t take it too well. It’s not the gay thing, though. It’s that Jared had lied to them for over three years. 

*~*~*

The silence is even more bone-crushing after Gen moves out and Jared finds himself in some kind of downward spiral. He spends most of his evenings in his favorite club; goes there right from whatever set he’s working on. 

The casual sex only seems to increase the emptiness in Jared’s heart, though. 

He sees Jensen on TV, promoting his new movie, and jerks off to the image of Jensen laughing at a joke Joe Leno makes. No matter what he does, he can’t escape Jensen; can’t escape the memories that still feel so real inside his head. 

When his agent tells him about this cop show that’s going to be filmed up in Vancouver, Jared doesn’t think about it and just auditions. He gets one of the lead roles, even though he hates cop shows. But it gets him back to Vancouver. 

He had fully intended to sell his house once he had moved back to LA after Supernatural was over. But then he just couldn’t do it. He’d even had a housekeeping service come in twice a month to keep everything up to date. 

Five years. 

It’s been five years since he last stepped over the threshold. The house is silent, but then it isn’t. It buzzes with memories, happy and unhappy. It’s so much more than the silence back in his house in LA. 

He makes his way upstairs to find his bed freshly made. Slowly he lies down on it. It’s soft and comfortable and Jared imagines that when he opens his eyes he’ll see Jensen lying right next to him. 

*~*~*

The show is just as bad as Jared had anticipated, maybe even more so. But cop shows are fan favorites, so he’s sure that he’ll have work for the next few years. 

His colleagues are nice, though. One of the girls, Katie, is funny and open and they hit it off immediately. It’s Katie’s first lead role and Jared takes her under his wing a little. 

She’s also the one to tell him that Jensen’s in Vancouver. 

“You worked with him, right?”

Jared nods. “Yeah, we were on a show together some years back.”

“Wow,” she says, looking up at him starry-eyed. “How is he?”

“He’s a great guy, very professional and a really good actor,” Jared says matter-of-factly. He’d rather talk about something else. 

Katie laughs. “Wow, you sound like you can’t stand the guy. Is he that bad?”

Jared chuckles. “No, it’s true. He is a great guy. We were pretty good friends back then. But you know how it is in Hollywood.”

“No time for the ones at the end of the food chain, huh?” Katie asks teasingly. “So, you gonna see him while he’s here? Maybe we could all have a drink together.”

Jared snorts. “You know he’s married, right?”

Katie shrugs. “Well, rumor is that they’re getting a divorce.”

It’s the first thing that Jared hears and it hits him like a ton of bricks. Jensen’s getting a divorce. Of course that could all be rumors. But most times, even when there’s a rumor there’s an element of truth in it. 

“So, you gonna introduce me?”

Jared jerks out of his thoughts. He forces a grin on his face. “We’ll see.” He gets up from his chair and walks over to his trailer. 

“Oh Jared, c’mon,” Katie whines, running after him. “Please.”

*~*~*

All day he’d tried to ignore the buzz that Jensen Ackles’ visit to Vancouver caused around the set. He had been mostly successful with ditching all questions about their past, only Katie had been really persistent. 

Now, he’s cooking dinner – cooking means heating up the leftovers from last night. 

While he waits for the microwave to finish heating his veggies and roast beef, he thinks that he should probably get his leaky faucet fixed. A smile steals its way on Jared’s face when he thinks of Jensen always being so annoyed with it. 

A knock on the door pulls Jared from his thoughts and he goes to answer it. He’d never in his life imagined the sight that meets him. 

Jensen’s standing on his front porch, swaying on his feet and his breath reeks of alcohol. 

“You didn’ sell it,” he slurs. 

“Are you drunk?” Jared asks, already knowing the answer. 

“Pretty much,” Jensen mumbles, pushing past Jared and walking into the living room. 

“Jensen, what are you doing here?” Jared’s genuinely confused. They haven’t talked in months. Jared didn’t even know that Jensen knew he was back in Vancouver. 

“Danneel has left me,” Jensen says, dropping down on the couch and burying his head in a pillow. 

Jared’s heart skips a beat, but he won’t get his hopes up. “I’m sorry.”

Jensen grunts and a second later Jared hears him snoring. He sighs, pulling the blanket over Jensen’s body. 

It’s three hours later when he hears Jensen stir in the living room. Jared’s sitting at the kitchen table, reading over the scene he has to film on Monday. 

“Hey.” Jensen’s voice is rough and Jared feels something stir in his stomach. 

“You sober?” he asks with raised eyebrows. 

Jensen runs a hand over his face. “Mostly, I think.”

“Good. You want something to eat?” Jared points at the pizza box on the counter. He just wasn’t in the mood for veggies and roast beef anymore after Jensen turned up. 

“No, thanks. Some water would be great, though.”

Jared sighs, pulling a bottle of water out of the fridge. “Here.” He sits back down at the counter. “So, what are you doing here?”

Jensen takes a sip of the water. “Don’t know. Chasing ghosts, maybe.”

Jared nods. “Well, you can stay in the guest room if you want. I’ll put sheets on the bed for you.” He stands up, because all of a sudden the kitchen feels too small for both of them. 

They’d been friends after their breakup, but right now Jared doesn’t know how to act around Jensen. Back when they were still on Supernatural, they had somehow worked up a wall between them that made them able to act as friends, even hang out. But right now, Jared feels stripped bare and he needs to breathe.

“Jay…” Jared stops dead in his tracks. “Don’t you wanna know why Danneel left me?” He turns around slowly to face Jensen, who’s watching him with a desperate look on his face. 

“Why?” he asks, his voice shaky. 

“She was sick and tired of fighting your ghost.”

Jared’s throat is dry when he asks, “What do you mean?” Because it can’t be what Jared wants it to be, can it?

“It was always you, Jay. Always. I fucked it up big time. But it was always you. I just didn’t… I couldn’t…”

“And now you can?” Jared’s head is spinning and he’s not sure how to react to what Jensen’s saying. 

Jensen sighs. “I don’t… damn,” he rubs a hand over his face. “Why’s this so hard?” He smiles almost shyly up at Jared and Jared’s fucking missed that smile. “I love you, Jay. I’ve always loved you. I’ve made a mistake, a fucking huge mistake. But I wanna make it up to you. If you’d let me.”

Jared’s heart is beating a mile a minute in his chest. This is all he’s ever wanted on a plate. Jensen’s looking at him openly and Jared can see that he means what he’s saying. Nothing’s forgiven yet, can’t be after all the heartbreak Jared went through. 

But it’s a start. 


End file.
